Worry Wart

I am being worried sick with hubby's flight tomorrow. Kolkata would have sunny weather and San Fran would be cloudy. Singapore would have rains with the possibility of a thunderstorm. I feel like kicking myself for getting him in this situation. Because I was afraid to fly, I forced him to come here.
I would be on tenterhooks until his flight lands safely in SFO. All my plans have been put on the backburner until then. I am praying to God to make his journey safe and uneventful. So long.....

Solva Saal

Yesterday, I bothered my sore back by sitting up till late in the night watching 'Solva Saal'. This was a golden oldie with a somewhat similar plot of 'Dil Hai Ke Manta Nahin'. I was searching this movie since quite some time back. I had tried YouTube but had not got it there. Yesterday, I chanced upon it. It was a very cute and entertaining movie. Waheeda Rehman and Dev Anand were in the starring roles. Waheeda is my all time favourite. And Dev Anand was the very epitome of charm in the black and white days. There are very few films that can leave one with a sweet aftertaste. This was one of them. It was well worth my aching back!

Bhavatarini

Every passing day brings me closer to the day when S will be here with me.
And the worry meter is hitting an all-time high. I am praying to my God to make his journey from India to San Jose smooth and safe. I am not sure when I became a sceptic again, unknowingly. I was just starting on my spiritual enlightment when I was sidetracked with other issues - like my day to day survival here, the impending Thanksgiving vacation etc. Even now, when I see pictures of Ma, tears come to my eyes. When I read about Her, I get goosebumps. But, at such times, I ask myself - do I love her or am I in awe of her?
The goal is to love her more than anything else in the whole world - just like a child loves his/her own mother - completely depending on her to guide us across the ocean of eternity. And I should be praying not only when I want something or am unhappy but also when I am happy and contented. I have yet not achieved the latter. The key is to grab hold of the wandering mind. Various religious and spiritual rituals actually aim at trying to discipline the mind. But most of us get taken up with the steps, the props, the chantings etc. As a very popular Rabindrasangeet goes 'Tomar Pujar Chole Tomar Dure Thaki' - we seek the pretext of the rituals to stay away from God herself.

The Foodie In Me

After having read numerous food columns and recipe sections in countless newspapers and magazines and driven by the culinary drought here in the States, I came up with a list of piece de resistance of several restaurants in Kolkata. One of my friends helped me in this compilation.

An Ode to Cupcakes

Cupcakes!!

Why had I not discovered this marvel when I last visited USA?

Google describes a cupcake as 'A small cake baked in a paper container shaped like a cup, often with icing on top'. Interestingly enough, this term is also used for 'an attractive young woman' :)

The definition is an understatement. This cake inspires thoughts in me that no man ever could!!

I am especially crazy about the messy butter-cream icing on top.

I first heard cupcakes mentioned in 'Wizards of Waverly Place' - a popular soap on Disney Channel. But, it took the birthday of one of the auditors here to make me realize that this American cupcake is not anything like it's dull Indian brother.

This lady brought over a posse of cupcakes. I whimsically picked up a white one. Little did I anticipate the culinary storm which would sweep me off my feet. The taste was beyond any other confection I had ever tasted. The cake had multicoloured beads in it and had a vanilla icing. I remember having prowled around in the kitchen area looking for leftover cake! Anybody who knows me can vouchsafe the fact that I am not fond of cakes in general.

On my birthday this month, my friend S asked me what I wanted as a gift. I asked her to get me cupcakes. Eventually, I could not procure cupcakes on my birthday. But, we fished out a gourmet cupcake boutique in the downtown area. We walked to the store on a weekend. There were only about 10 or so cupcakes left in the shop. We bought two of vanilla and two of 'fleur de sel'[see picture]. The latter was simply out of the ordinary with a typical salty-sweet flavour and a creamy texture.

Looking forward to many more cupcakes during my stay here!

Office Office

It's now the 5th month that I am spending in this office.
I think it deserves a mention in my blog.

Today is what the project manager calls a 'Hawaian Shirt Friday'. The multitude is supposed to turn out in colourful Hawaian shirts. Whoever does so gets to have a cookie/doughnut before the others. It is jolly fun. And I appreciate the goodwill for purchasing these goodies to bring a smile to everyone's lips - end of each week. This is what building employee morale is all about. Our home country firm should take a leaf out of this book.

I was pretty charged up yesterday after having a feedback session with my module lead where he remarked that I was doing quite well for myself. I worked doubly hard yesterday. The meeting left me so optimistic that I closed a Priority 1 defect, did some troubleshooting on TFS for a team member, completed my Independence training and picked up another Priority 2 bug. I spoke to everyone around me pleasantly and overall had a good day in office.

I have to try to keep my 'pecker' up. There is simply no other way that time would pass more quickly here. I wish to take away something other than dollars from here.

One more striking feature of this office is that it is multi-ethnic.
One of the 3 module leaders is American, one is Indian and the other Chinese. This is the uniqueness of America. No other country in the world can boast of mixing so many cultures in the workplace. And for this reason America still continues to be 'the land of dreams'.

White Revolution

I have fallen in love again!!
With Girish Karnad as Verghese Kurien in Shyam Benegal's 'Manthan'.
I had watched clips of the movie as a kid and was haunted by the lilting melody of 'Mero Gaam Katha' sung by Preeti Sagar. She went on to win the National Award for this song. She happens to be a personal favourite because she sang a collection of Nursery Rhymes which I loved like anything as a kid.

Today, I watched the movie from Amul's site and was very impressed. The movie had a stellar cast comprising Girish Karnad, Mohan Agashe, Naseeruddin Shah and Smita Patil. There is no point in trying to describe how good a movie is. You have got to see it for yourself.

I looked up Dr. Kurien on Wiki. Here's what I found:
Verghese Kurien (born November 26, 1921 at Kozhikode, Kerala) is called the father of the White Revolution in India. He is also known as the Milkman of India.
He was the chairman of the Gujarat Co-operative Milk Marketing Federation Ltd.(GCMMF). GCMMF is an apex cooperative organization that manages the Amul food brand. He is recognised as the man behind the success of the Amul brand. Amul had a revenue of $1b USD in 2006-07.
He is credited with being the architect of Operation Flood -- the largest dairy development program in the world. Kurien helped modernise Anand model of cooperative dairy development and thus engineered the White Revolution in India, and made India the largest milk producer in the world.

Attaching a clip courtesy Amul with glimpses of the movie:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RW9DSUbZX34

Trying hard

Work life sucks.
I have to go around begging for more work every other day. I am tired of it and absolutely pissed off.
I resolve bugs on a daily basis. What the hell am I doing here? Am I serving a bloody production support team? My frustration mounts as the days go by.

This reminds me of my childhood days when appearing in multiple 'functions' was a matter of pride. If one could see you in different programmes on the 4 days during the Pujas, it meant a lot to you. And so, all the kids in the neighbourhood used to make rounds of the various 'Auntys' in the locality asking for a 'part'. I still recall one incident where I had taken great pains to reach one such lady who was choreographing an event and she had turned me away citing non-availability of further 'roles'. I still remember how much it had hurt and how I had wept when I had got home. I have still not forgiven that lady though I have forgotten her name and what she looked like!

Another vivid instance that I remember was when a grandiose event was in progress where there would be a Bihu performance. This was during my school days. Myself and my the then best friend tried hard to fit in. We were not upto the mark and were told off very harshly by a very impolite teacher. We two cried our hearts out.

Then there was this parade to be performed in front of our school building on Independence day. Me and my best friend gave it a shot. On the D-Day, that same sicko teacher ticked me off. My best friend made the cut. I was very hurt again.

Now let me narrate an incident where I did not let others and the circumstance turn me down.
I had rehearsed for a dance recital for days. The friend who was supposed to sing along to my dance decked me up beautifully. When the performance was about to begin, she was nowhere to be found. I searched the entire school building. Little did my innocent heart suspect that I was purposefully deserted!! Not one to give up, I promptly arranged a supplement singer(though she did not know the lyrics as well as the tune :)) and jumped onstage. The performance was a success. And till this day, I am proud of the fact that I did not give in when it all seemed so hopeless. Incidentally, the friend who had assisted me so bravely in my dire need went on to became one of the closest friends I have ever had till date.

Here and Now

Life had changed for the better with one of my female colleagues having taken up residence in the same apartment complex.
The major thread connecting us is our love for books.
She is multi-talented. She writes prose and poetry, she plays the guitar, she sings, she draws. Whew!
On a more serious note, she still looks at the world with innocent eyes. And I, being a cynic at heart and a pessimist to the core can only look at the withering and yellow with my jaundiced eyes.

Books that I am reading right now are 'Laughter in the Dark' by Vladimir Nabokov (of 'Lolita' fame) and 'The Good Earth' by Pearl S. Buck. Am not fancying the latter - partly because I am somewhat repeled by the graphic descriptions in the book and partly because I was bored terribly by Knut Hamson's 'Growth of the Soil' which was somewhat along a similar strain. Looking forward to a visit to the library.

Dependence

How good it would be to go back to the days when Ma held our hands and walked us back from 'Asit er dokaan'. Ma would be holding both Kwai's and my hands and we would walk home happily with a wafer/icecream. What bliss! You depended on your mother and that was the only thing you needed to do. Ma would take care of the rest.
How helpless I feel now. I cannot cry and complain to my mother that things are not going as expected.
Then I think, why cannot I cry out to Ma Kali now? She will look after me and take care of all my troubles. All I need to do is surrender completely.

A Day in My Life

I sleep late and I am still tired and sleepy when the alarm goes off at 7 in the morning.
I take an inhaler puff and splash water on my face to wipe off the old and get on with the new. I am super-attentive towards my various bottles and jars of toothpaste, cream, shampoo etc. I feel an exhilaration as I empty my tube of toothpaste or a body lotion bottle. It is inexplicable. Perhaps, these empty tubes/jars/bottles speak of the time that I have killed here and that each day brings me nearer to the day when I will be going home. And yet, I feel a pang when I hear somebody staying on at onsite or of someone who has had a long stay here. After all, whatever we do, we do it for happiness in our life. What is the utility of money other than meeting all our needs? Yet, one craves more the more one gets. What a deadly folly in man! And all the while time rushes out.......never to come back again.
It is a pity that I succumbed to this foolish sentiment of spending a substantial time in America....just to prove something to my peers. My peers............who have been and are roaming throughout the world.........seizing every opportunity and being incredibly cocky after their stays outside India. They do behave very snootily..........but what do I care? Throughout my life, I have needed assurance and commendation from people all around in order to feel relevant.This childish psychology has stuck to me making me opt for what is arguably the biggest mistake in my life............leaving Sayan to come here.
I hate my work and that is when I get some work, I hate my social life here..........but then, I do not have a social life, I hate the cold superficial people here............in short, I hate my very existence here.
When I question myself 'Why am I here?', I feel desperate enough to go up to my Idiot-Manager and plead him to send me home. I dare not encourage thoughts where I can see myself running into Sayan's arms at the Kolkata airport. I know these thoughts are soul-destroying. But, these thoughts do come crowding into my mind sometimes. And then, I get the blues. And no amount of chocolate can make it right.
I had convulsively wept one day when I had a supreme realization. Some people are very beautiful, some are extremely talented, others are filthy rich...........what is it that God has not been miserly in giving me? And it came to me like a bullet wound in my heart.........it was being loved! No man ever loved someone as much like Sayan loves me. And I had never respected that when I was near him. He has done innumerable sacrifices to be with me...........to keep me happy.
And what have I done to deserve this love? I worry that Sayan will fall in love with someone else or something bad will happen to him and then what would I do with this wretched life of mine? Kill myself? Alas! I am not brave enough to do that either.
All my adoloscent life, I had pined for love.........looking for it in all the wrong places...........but praise be to God, She did not let me be spoilt and She dropped the right person my way. I realized all this only when I was staying here. This is perhaps the greatest profit gained by my coming here. Yet, why don't the other noises stop? The voices which prod me on to get more and more has not stopped even now. But then I think, these inner voices which corrupt are never meant to stop. They are there only so that we exert our positive thinking and will power to determine what is it that I really want and once realized, to make a tooth-and-nails dash for it.
What then, you may ask is stopping me from rushing back to Sayan in India. I feel like I would be succumbing to my weakness............giving way to my clinging nature if I go back to Sayan. Then there is also the idea of saving some money to partially pre-pay the home loan. But then why do I keep on buying dresses and other frivolities instead of guarding each penny zealously? There are too many questions and no answer. I have to find out the answers and resolve the inner stuggles. And perhaps, I will let the decision making go to Sayan. He has a level head and he will be able to take the right decisions for our family.
I have not done justice to Sayan and I know it. He is a little timid and tries to avoid unpleasant situations but then I too have several negatives.............much more than him. What makes me take up the baton everytime is the feeling that we will be trampled by one and all if I let my guard down. But there is only so much a person can do and leave the rest to God.
I cannot wait to go back and rectify my mistakes and start my life from where I left off. The only dampener is the possibility that Sayan may be outside Kolkata when I go back. And then, who will I run to? Sure, father and mother are God's form on earth and there are lot many things that I have learnt from them. Yet, Sayan is my soulmate..............the one person on this earth who values me more than anybody. And it is a precious feeling.
What I must consciously do when I go back is to take more responsibilty............spend less time idly and be more useful to everyone, especially Sayan. Also, I need to push off this lazyness I have developed towards office work in general. I am blogging right now. At other times, I read novels and I either sleep/net-surf during the meetings. The self-indulgence that I had cultivated when I was de-motivated in P India is costing me dearly here. After all, there is always work for those who want it.
And where goes this desperado..............don't care attitude of mine when I am about to board a plane? At that time, I conveniently turn into the world's biggest coward. And all this thinking is of no help. I should stop talking and start doing. But not today please :) It is Friday. I have had a pleasant day comprising of zero work and two meetings, surfing Kohls, Macy's and Target sites for pretty dresses and drinking deeply from Dr. Zhivago. I do not want to spoil this strange reverie of mine. I am quite peaceful when this vagueness overcomes me.

Inner Awakening

I have been doing a lot of reading these days on meditation, centering the consciousness, awakening the self and power of the mind.
I have subscribed to the Atma-Jyoti blog, I read Swamiji's teachings and I read the English translation of the Ramakrishna Kathamrita. Yann Martel has commented in the 'Life of Pi' that the mind looks for exaltation only when it has sunk really low. The only good thing that has happened to me as a result of my coming to the States is the opportunity it has provided me for self-introspection. I would never have realized what a weakling I had become had I never had the chance to stay alone and fend for myself. I was a mere parasite living off Sayan emotionally. What has eroded my mind so much?
I always believed myself to be God's chosen one. I believed myself to be pure enough to be in close communion with God. I was able to speak to Her at any time.
Back in my childhood I remember one of my friends told me 'You are very pure'. Till date, I consider that to be my best compliment ever.
Whenever I had asked myself the simple yet profound question 'Who am I?', I used to drop to terrible unknown depths and had to work hard to recall myself back to this sense-world.
As Ramakrishna says, the sole purpose of man should be to look for God.
And here I am, chasing my stupid ambitions and losing the very essence of life.
I know that running back to India in Sayan's arms is not the best way to keep my soul alive. The heart wants it's comfortable cocoon back. But, I do not want to sink into that again. I should cultivate the power to detach also. After all, that is the greatest teaching that life has to offer. Everything is transient.
I used to be positive towards everyone. Nowadays, I harbour so many negative emotions such as jealousy, envy, dissapointment, despondency etc. I need to regain my true self and be benevolent towards one and all. The world is not full of bad people. It is only a reflection of the was I perceive and behave.
These days, I try not to let my idle mind take over. I keep it busy at all times. With music, with movies, with books and primarily with thoughts of here and now. I am trying to cut back on the 'what ifs'.
I am currently reading 'Dr. Zhivago' and enjoying it very much.

Expectations

What is there in America that gets all the Indians positively salivating?

Lakhs of Indian software engineers have migrated to the States and have set up household. The quality of these people are either brilliant(IIT/IIM passouts) or mediocre - people like me and inferior. The number of people in the second bracket is growing exponentially by the day. These people want to cling to America - they do not want to go back to India and they are forever expressing the pretension that they miss India and are not able to go back.

I am filled with an impotent rage when I think of these people. As H.G Wells so cleverly put 'Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo'. I too want to stay on in the States but my conscience pricks me reminding me of my parents. I also miss the life in India. But I cannot escape the fact that the people who are staying on forever at onsite actually enjoy a better social standing back in India. People are so proud to state that they live in America. They think that makes them so much better than the unfortunate few who never got to see the sun in the States. It is stupid psychology at best but there it is. You might be working in a bakery/sandwich shop/laundry out here yet you would be hallowed in the eyes of your parents/neighbours/relatives/friends for earning your livelihood in the promised land.

Let me come up with some actual examples.
1. My college buddy D stayed approximately for two years in the States. She works for T. Now she is happily married with a kid.
2. Another college buddy M stayed in the States for 10 months. She had to come back because she was sick. Now she is married and settled in Kolkata. Do not know about her future onsite plans if any. She works for C.
3. One of the poorest performers in our batch at our college S has recently gone back to India after spending 8 months in the States. She works for I.
4. I have lost count of the others in T and C who have repeatedly been travelling worldwide.
5. My ex-colleague N has travelled extensively across UK and USA. He is presently in Miami. He works for C.
6. Another ex-colleague A is back in the States for a second stint. He had originally gone to USA for 2 months. He spent 8 months here and then went back to India only to come back for another 8 months or so. He works for C.
7. M, an ex-colleague had visited Australia earlier. She then went to Denver and from there she has taken up another one-year assignment in Arizona. She works for C.
8. S, another ex-colleague went to Netherlands initially for 3 months. Since then, she has been to Los Angeles for 6 months and New Jersey - New York for 1 year. She works for C.
9. B, a colleague here, has been staying on for the past five years. He is even scared to take a flyback lest his place here is taken up by someone else.
10. S, another colleague was staying on since more than 2 years yet was very unhappy to have not got sufficient time at onsite. He would have stayed on forever. It needed a near-fatal accident to put him out of action and rethink his plans of going back to India.

In contrast to these golddiggers, there are a handful who never went to onsite because they wanted it that way:
1. J, an ex-colleague has had 2 short stints in the states - about a month each. He is relunctant to visit America because he does not like it here. He works for C.
2. D, a close friend since my college days came back from America within a day! She was loath to stay away from her hubby. She works for O.
3. S, another close friend from my college never went to the States because her husband was away on work and she probably did not want to leave her father alone. Also, her own onsite opportunities would span 2-3 years if she chose to take them. She works for T.

A few salient points that came out of the listing above are:
1. Women who are high-flying are either unmarried or have accomplished their foreign aspirations before getting married or having kids.
2. Men who have been living on at States are either unmarried or have their spouses accompanying them.
3. T and C provide ample opportunities to visit UK/US

My situation is like the person standing in front of a pot of gold. All about him people are rushing past to loot the gold. He stands with his hands folded pretending to a principled figure while all the time his mind tells him that he is an idiot who is letting opportunity go by.
I think it is better to get to do what my heart wants now and here rather than wait for my parents to pass away and remove the obstacle to my staying on at USA.
I am no better than these greedy Indians. I get agitated when I see my colleague's tenure being extended. I too want my tenure to be extended. But, somewhere in my heart I know that I cannot reconcile myself if I actually stay on beyond my one year tenure.

My train of thought has been broken by a lunch that I went out to with M and S - two of my colleagues here. I will terminate this post here.

1st Oct, 2009

I have officially crossed one quarter of my stay in the States. And boy am I glad!

There are other milestones I have covered in this course. I completed 5 years in the software industry. I have completed 2 and a half years in this sucking company. I have made my first Baingan Ka Bharta, have completed my first cross-stitch project. The only thing constant is my voracious devouring of books. That has not changed through the course of time.

I have observed that my reading and writing peaks when I am going through a mental turmoil. I used to be an avid journal writer when I was growing up and trying to fall in love unsuccessfully. I wrote when I competed fiercely in college. I wrote when I pined for a timid little man in college. I wrote when all my friends landed jobs in a leading IT giant and I being academically superior could not crack their written exam. I wrote when I finally made it to the IT company of my dreams. I wrote when I permed my hair and noticed the way that guys started paying me attention. I wrote when I fell in love with one of my team leads. Arguably, that was the most intense emotion I ever felt for anyone. I wrote when it did not work out. I wrote when I started receiving multiple proposals.

I stopped writing when I started going out with a friend who would eventually become my husband. Subconsciously, I had reached the mental state that I was aspiring to reach ever since childhood. I was emotionally secure and content. And I looked forward to each day.

I started writing once I was here. The blanket of comfort that was around me for the past two years seemed to have been destroyed suddenly. I was out in the world trying to survive. I turned to the one thing I knew that had always given me solace. Writing. I am feeling much calmer these days.

My thinking is still muddled. And I am feeling very very lazy. I know this is a sure sign of depression. It is as if I have nothing to look forward to. 9 months seem such a long time. It IS a long time. Whenever I think of that, I feel like taking the flyback. But I am not sure of I would be able to stick to that decision as well. I do not want to cut a sorry figure in front of that idiot manager of mine. I will write pen-pictures of mu colleagues here. Of course I will give each one a nickname. That will probably kill some time. Oh to remember those days when I had friends with whom I shared the pen-pictures.

30th Sept, 2009

This post is dedicated to the quintessential American.

I thought I would jot down my observations:

1. They are obsessed with their dental care. I have always found somebody brushing their teeth or flossing whenever I have visited the ladies restroom.

2. The women smell really nice - they smell like they have been freshly srubbed squeaky clean - they smell of fruity/floral shower gels and body lotions.

3. The women dress real smart. They wear tight body hugging outfits - though I have found their figures pretty unimpressive. They look like sticks and not like their Latina hotbod counterparts. The American woman pays great attention to her shoes, nails and hair. A lot of them have their hair intricately permed. They prefer solid colours in their attire and restrict the splash of colour to their accessories like shoes, bags and jewellery.

The most striking impression I had of this great sense of dressing was a lady I saw in downtown. She wore a crisp white shirt with ash colored trousers. She had a thin black belt and black stilettos. Around her neck were beaded necklaces intertwined in shades of yellow, green, turquoise and blue. She looked stunning. I will definitely recreate this look once I am back in India though I am not sure how it will go down with the viewing public.

4. Americans love keeping their bodies fit and buffed. They will hit the gym regularly, keep up with other rigorous physical activity like hiking, trekking, boating, biking, so on and so forth. And the American woman hell bent on maintaining a size zero will survive on salads only.



The majority of American people I have observed have fit, athletic bodies, are well-dressed and are extremely polite. Which does nothing to mask their coldness toward one and all.

However, the variant of this majority is the typical obese, pink-in-the-face, burger-chomping, soda-glugging American.

29th Sept, 2009

Another cold dreary day in San Jose, California.
I dragged myself out of bed. Had a glass of milk and a partly rotten banana. Spoke to hubby. Made my tiffin. Got dressed and out of the door. The walk on the way to the office had my mind in the ever-present dilemma - whether or not to go back to India in January.
The arguments in favour were:
1. Everybody here is going. Why am I different?
2. Why am I such a coward?
3. Why am I so selfish?
I do not know which is worse. Deciding to go and losing sleep over getting on an aeroplane or living each moment in the guilt of getting the chance to take a flyback and not availing it. I know this is my mind's way of playing dirty tricks on me. If I were going back it would have made me crazy with flight nightmares. And now that I have decided not to, it is trying to coax me to reverse my decision only to start the crazy flight phobia. I am not going to fall in that trap. I am going to stick to my decision to go back in July 2010 once and for all.
There are other fears as well:
1. What if something happens to Mother/Father. What if they pass away? What if I can never see them again?
2. What if I die on my way home? What if I can never get to see Sayan again?
3. If Sayan travels here on an L2 visa and something happens to his flight, how will I live with the guilt?
Looks like eliminating a single worry namely getting on a flight has opened the door to a multitude of worries.
I tried to meditate for 10 mins yesterday. I tried the Om meditation. It worked better than the earlier types of meditation that I have tried. I will have to keep up this practise daily in order to get an actual benefit.
Mala spoke of Swami Nithyananda Paramahansa yesterday. The searched the Internet and found out an YouTube link on him. I wish to watch that. He would be coming to San Jose this weekend but the entry fee is a steep $200.
I am also thinking of trying out some over-the-counter anti-depressants like Prozac.

Sometime in my childhood I had come across a phrase which said that the worst pain is the mental pain. I am literally living out a nightmare. I am never happy. I have lost focus. I am unable to concentrate on my work. People have started perceiving me as a vague creature who does no productive work. And I seem to have lost the motivation to do something to change this image of mine. The work does not interest me. At home, I am loath to cook, to do the dishes, to do the laundry. It is as if my life has come to a perpetual halt. My soul had died on me. Has God forsaken me? Tears come to my eyes when I think of it. Why does not God look for my tormented soul and bring it back to his feet?

23 Sep 2009

Greetings to whoever might be reading my blog.

This is my first attempt at blogging. I have been maintaining journals from a young age. This transition would have had happened sooner or later.

My work requires me to spend most of the time in the day at my laptop. I can use any time gaps to give vent to my thoughts.

My thoughts.......

I am a thoughtful person. And I think too much. I never realized when this too much thinking unconsciously slipped into too much worrying.

These days, I can be used as a living example of anxiety disorder.

I have even thought of resorting to astrology, palmistry and what not to predict my future.

I was not this person before. I have rapidly changed to this fragile, terrified stranger who is afraid of her own shadow. I am not sure of what I am afraid of but fear lurks in every corner of my mind.

I was browsing the Net looking for tips to keep myself happy when I came accross the suggestion of starting my own blog. So, here I am - trying to make a conscious decision to positively change my life.

I am away from my home on work. I have an year's tenure to complete.

I spend my idle hours counting days to get back to my home. Yet, I am terrified by the thought of being on an aeroplane. Nobody relates to my fear. Everybody secretly despises me because I am so very much self-indulgent. But presently, I am in no condition to confront my fears. I only pray to God to give me the courage when I would need to take the final plunge in June end - July beginning next year.

I convince myself that I have lived out one quarter of my exile.

And in one months time, I would have mastered one third.

Two months from then and I would be half-way through.

Rather than going home and meeting my folks then(which was an option I cancelled a few days ago) and then going through all the emotional upheaval of saying goodbye all over again and then getting on the nightmare of my life - an aeroplane, I have decided to stick it out here - for better or for worse.

A song in the movie 'The Parent Trap' goes like 'Everytime I say goodbye.....I die a little' - how aptly expressed.

I have been trying to look for the reasons behind my fear of flying since all the wise men say that in the reason itself lies the cure.

1. Suffering from the guilt of having left my family back home.

2. Being disillusioned in the new place and the people thereof.

3. My fear of heights.

4. Not having anyone that I know on the flight whom I can shout at - thereby releasing my tension.

5. Moderate turbulence on my journey here.

6. Not being able to take my mind off the moment when I am actually sitting in a plane - and imagining a horrifying sequence of events which invariably starts off with turbulence and ends in my head being smashed against the hard ground. And oh! the moment when I am falling !! The very thought makes me shiver.

7. Information overload. Final Destination movie. Hoax photographs. Reading about air crashes. The recent crashes in Atlantic Ocean and Indian Ocean. And very many fear of flying courses. Which do more harm than good.

8. The fact that I am alone here. And the feeling that I am friendless.

In the next blog, I will try to outline ways to overcome my fear of flying.