Virtual Shopping and Philosophy Thereafter

The above are the purchases of my virtual shopping spree today. I will be uploading the silver jewellery in a separate blog post.
This is a new mania of mine. I browse the internet saree sites like crazy. Then, I scourge the jellwery sites to match the sarees that I have 'purchased'. When I do this, I am like one possessed. As much of a shopaholic that I am, I was not this shopping freak that I have turned into here.

Now when I think of visiting Jaipur, I don't think of the wonderful palaces, the natural beauty or even the time that I would be spending with hubby - I can only think kundan jewellery!

Varanasi stirs the fond thoughts of Benarasi sarees - where goes the spirituality? What about the out-of-the- world 'jalebi's and 'rabri'?

It's like all of my senses are attuned to jewellery and sarees.

What is this obsession?

Satyajit Ray's 'Monihara' depicts one such woman - whose craving for golden ornaments leads to her death and eventual haunting of the husband. She was childless. This void in her life turned into a perverted desire for gold jewellery. Is it the same for me? Donno. I am not too fond of children. I should have been on the journey to motherhood by now, biologically. However, circumstances have prevented that from happening. Is that the reason why I crave for sarees and jewellery?

The other day in one episode of 'Suite Life of Zack and Cody', London and Bailey were participating in a beauty pageant in the ship. London said her talent was shopping :) She could have anything delivered anywhere just by a phone call.

Shopping could have been my talent as well. But alas, I don't have that kind of money. And thank God for that! The void in me would have been that much more huge after spending a tonne of money. As the husband of R says 'How can a stranger in the street control your happiness?'

Being a Wreck

I am a little sad today. I got mildly scolded by my otherwise sweet team lead. I had screwed up the build, thus blocking check-ins by other developers. This is an absolutely unpardonable offence for someone with my experience. Yet strangely, I do not feel remorse appropriately.

I was being unproductive for quite some time now. Now, I have also started messing up. Bigtime. I am slipping. And that too fast.

Who is this person whom I see in the mirror? Is it really me? The bright and technically gifted girl who used to the centre of attention of every manager? The one everyone looked up to fix their coding issues?

When did I become this way?

I believe, demotivation crept in after a few months in GCP. I have observed that the sweet-tempered and mild mannered managers are effectually useless. GCP had a similar type of manager. He promised me the moon (and more) when I tried to leave the organization. I kept up my hopes and my motivation around 6 months further. After Puja 2008, I gave up hope completely and I was simply listless after Dec 2008. All I did in office were the cursory status updates and the daily telecons with the client. The lions share of the office time was spent in gossiping and surfing the internet. I actually read the entire collection of Byomkesh Bakshi within a fortnight - all of it sitting in office!

I was able to pull myself up a little around March - April 2009 because an internal startup project required a lot of effort. Also because I could see the long desired onsite opportunity around the corner.

When I joined the current project, I was quite enthusiastic in the beginning. Within a couple of days, I had figured out how things worked. There was no Knowledge Sharing whatsover, the team members all spoke Hebrew at the daily scrums, the code base was enormous and unintuitive and I definitely did not fit in. After about two and a half months at offshore, I came onsite. I did small bug fixes here and there. I spoke to my team lead that I wanted to do more - achieve more. He listened to me patiently but quietly passed me by while delegating tasks. Incidentally, I became the only person in my team working on bugs. All others were involved in tasks. All my requests to be assigned to a task fell on deaf ears. How could they expect me to learn the nitty gritties without actually getting my hands dirty with the BusinessLogic and DataAccess code?

Again, the same vicious cycle started. I lost all interest. I started blogging in office hours. The rest of the time, I spent in browsing online shopping catalogues. I did not want to be in office.

And now this. I am a wreck. I sent out the wrong timesheet for Jan 2010 - THREE times in a row to the timesheet helpdesk. I need to pull myself up - get my acts together. I absolutely need a job change. And I really need to stay away from 'internet candy' when I am on the job.

Time drags

I had thought once I was halfway through my tenure here, time would pass faster.
I remember the day when S said she had been driving here in the States for eight and a half months without a driver's license - and I had wondered how would I feel when I had covered that duration here. The thought uppermost in my mind was 'Will I ever be able to pass that many months here?' As it so happens, life does not leave you much of an option. I had the option when I decided that I wanted to come to the States for a year long duration. However, once I was here, I had no choice but to complete my tenure.

There is the other wild 'possibility'. That of boarding any flight - reaching Kolkata and then resigning. How I would remain untraced for the duration of my journey is a question to which I could not fathom a rational answer. Hence, plan dropped. For the time being atleast :)

I have taken a printout of a 2010 calendar. I strike out each day on the calendar with a bright red pen. This fills me with a sadistic pleasure. There is a strange sense of finality about this ritual of mine. When days get difficult, I have always resorted to striking out days in a calendar with a red pen and reading Kahlil Gibran. Two things that I maintain while striking out days:
1. I never strike out a day which is not over yet. I believe, ruling out a day before it has unfolded in it's entirety brings bad luck.
2. I love 'accumulating' days yet to be struck off. That way, when I strike off 20 - 25 days all at once, it floods me with an enormous emotional relief.

This is my third post in one half of a working day. It speaks volumes about the quality and productivity of the work I do here :)

Annoying 'big' kids

I laugh at the people in the IT industry who come 'onsite' and don't want to go back.
I observe guys like B in our office and I am reminded of kids who throw tantrums when asked to leave a relative's/friend's residence for their own home :)
The analogy was too tempting not to put in writing. Hence this mini-post!

Clutter

Yesterday, was feeling really blue.

Hence, decided to clear my apartment of clutter.

Made 2 trips to the garbage disposal area taking down 3 crate - boxes of Coke, 1 crate of beer bottles, the kitchen garbage and the bathroom garbage.

Strangely enough, cleaning out this mess gave my mind and heart a positive turn. I watched a movie 'Aankhein' starring Govinda and Chunky Pandey and then cooked!

I am a real slob when it comes to the weekends. All I do on weekends is flop on the bed, eat countless chocolates, drink endless cans of coke, munch on potato chips and smoke cigarettes. I neither brush my teeth, nor take a bath. In short, I am the picture of sloppishness. I shirk cooking and cleaning and going out and behave like the infamous Count Dracula of Transylvania staying out of sunlight :)

This weekend, decluttering my house kinda decluttered my mind. I know this is not incentive enough to keep me away from the weekend-sloppy schedule. But, I just might give it another try on another weekend. Not in the near future though!!

Weather Woes

Weather has been dull and dreary for the past week. Everyday, I was being pelted with rain on my to the office from the parking lot.
The day before yesterday, I was almost being swept into the Guadalupe river - the wind was so 'dang' strong. I felt like Mary Poppins with my umbrella. The latter is now officially casualty and is residing in S's luggage on the way back to India :)
Today, the sun decided to take a peek at the world below. The hills looked marvellous in the morning. See the speck of snow winking from between the 2 concrete behemoths. [Picture courtesy S]. The wind was very playful - making the clouds move here and there. The hills looked buish grey and green in patches. I became very nostalgic. This is just like the hill stations in India.
In no mood to work. Feeling sleepy and ready to hit the bed. Blame it on the weather :(

Lessons learned at office

I was just thinking to myself 'What makes you love your job?'
As I started to look back, several pointers struck me as important. I am writing these in my blog to save for posterity.
1. Always try to join a project during or close to startup. In this way, you will get most of the opportunites with time and will also have an upper hand over the others, both technically and functionally.
Real life scenario: I have been observing A quite closely since I came here. He is a hot shot now - apparently performing technical miracles every other day. As for myself, I happen to be the most easily disposable resource out here.
Two years back, things were very different. When I started off in my first project in this organization, I was one of the earliest few in the project. This gave me a good grasp of the technicality, a little of the functionality and almost all of the loopholes. A joined at a much later stage. He was originally a tester who got involved in our project as a configuration manager. He used to fix bugs here and there at times.
So, did that really make me the coder - hero that people thought me to be?
Or is A the new developer - messiah?
None.
It all boils down to who has been in the project for how long - provided one is sincere and hard-working.
2. Never be friends with the people who report to you. A friendly boss is good - but a boss who is a friend is not good at all. Maintain a distance with your team members. This is going to earn you respect. Also, appraising the team members gets really subjective once you get to know them personally. Have friends in office. Just make sure they are not in your team.
Real life scenario: In my second project with the firm, I was leading a team of 4. This was a classic case of 1 and 2. My team members were in the project from long back. To sink my teeth into the code, I got friendly with them. By the time, I got a hang of the project they were all over me.
3. Never dress sloppy at work. This can entirely ruin your image that you might have created over years.
Real life scenario: I am a sloppy dresser myself. And I have realized that people don't take you seriously if you are a sloppy dresser.

Comfort Food

With hubby gone back to Kolkata, I did a lot of shopping for myself. Retail therapy works for me, everytime.
Also, I have stocked up on my favourite comfort foods. I bought myself 2 packs of Lays Original potato crisps, a big bag of Hershey's Kisses and 4 crates of Coca Cola!
Each day, after work I sit in the favourite corner of my soft fluffy bed - propped up by two super-mushy pillows and dig into junk food. It fills me with a sense of well-being. Feels like everything is right in the world. I shut my ears from the diet-junkies and their theory on the 'sugar-rush'. All that sugar makes me feel happy. And that is all that matters right now.
Yesterday, I needed a little more incentive. So, I baked myself a potato. It was my first attempt. And it turned out great. Talk of beginner's luck!
One comfort food that I have discovered after having come to the States is Coffee flavoured ice cream from Trader Joe's. I have a tubful in the fridge :)
Looking forward to killing the dull rainy days by just curling up with my laptop and my stash of comfort food.

Time flies

Hubby was here for the past 28 days. He has reached Kolkata today.

And I am struggling to come back to reality.

I have been not able to sleep at all for the past 2 nights. Hence blogging. It helps relieve my mind.

Work is a mess with my laptop being re-imaged and the desktop monitor turning pink :)

But it sure felt better to be back with my female colleagues M senior, M junior and S.

Right now back to desk after lunch and infernally bored.

It will be difficult to make the days pass now.

I had gotten used to hubby being around. Life was revolving around him. Now, it's all empty again.

I cried a river the day he started off for Kolkata.

I have to keep my mind occupied at all times. Otherwise, my old friend - depression is going to get the better of me.

I will keep blogging regularly. I will also take up the cat cross-stitch project. If I am industrious enough, I might get somebody take it back to India before I reach.

How I long for the long, lazy days spent in India. Everyday was filled with fun. Life is generally difficult, what with the public transport, the humid weather, family-related obligations etc. - but the time spent with my best friend - my hubby - really outweighs it all.

I get nostalgic when I recall the days spent window shopping in Gariahat. I would go from shop to shop enthusiastically while hubby trudged along reluctantly. And when he used to hit the movie halls, I followed behind with a wry face. Right now, when I am faced with living out over 5 months without him - I get jealous of the uneventful afternoons spent reading books in the winter sun. Back when I was home, we used to fight as to who was the lazy one who passed away the day doing nothing. Thinking back, even those do-nothing days prick me.

When would I go home? Lets hope the work goes as planned and I can get back after 5 months as scheduled.