23 Sep 2009

Greetings to whoever might be reading my blog.

This is my first attempt at blogging. I have been maintaining journals from a young age. This transition would have had happened sooner or later.

My work requires me to spend most of the time in the day at my laptop. I can use any time gaps to give vent to my thoughts.

My thoughts.......

I am a thoughtful person. And I think too much. I never realized when this too much thinking unconsciously slipped into too much worrying.

These days, I can be used as a living example of anxiety disorder.

I have even thought of resorting to astrology, palmistry and what not to predict my future.

I was not this person before. I have rapidly changed to this fragile, terrified stranger who is afraid of her own shadow. I am not sure of what I am afraid of but fear lurks in every corner of my mind.

I was browsing the Net looking for tips to keep myself happy when I came accross the suggestion of starting my own blog. So, here I am - trying to make a conscious decision to positively change my life.

I am away from my home on work. I have an year's tenure to complete.

I spend my idle hours counting days to get back to my home. Yet, I am terrified by the thought of being on an aeroplane. Nobody relates to my fear. Everybody secretly despises me because I am so very much self-indulgent. But presently, I am in no condition to confront my fears. I only pray to God to give me the courage when I would need to take the final plunge in June end - July beginning next year.

I convince myself that I have lived out one quarter of my exile.

And in one months time, I would have mastered one third.

Two months from then and I would be half-way through.

Rather than going home and meeting my folks then(which was an option I cancelled a few days ago) and then going through all the emotional upheaval of saying goodbye all over again and then getting on the nightmare of my life - an aeroplane, I have decided to stick it out here - for better or for worse.

A song in the movie 'The Parent Trap' goes like 'Everytime I say goodbye.....I die a little' - how aptly expressed.

I have been trying to look for the reasons behind my fear of flying since all the wise men say that in the reason itself lies the cure.

1. Suffering from the guilt of having left my family back home.

2. Being disillusioned in the new place and the people thereof.

3. My fear of heights.

4. Not having anyone that I know on the flight whom I can shout at - thereby releasing my tension.

5. Moderate turbulence on my journey here.

6. Not being able to take my mind off the moment when I am actually sitting in a plane - and imagining a horrifying sequence of events which invariably starts off with turbulence and ends in my head being smashed against the hard ground. And oh! the moment when I am falling !! The very thought makes me shiver.

7. Information overload. Final Destination movie. Hoax photographs. Reading about air crashes. The recent crashes in Atlantic Ocean and Indian Ocean. And very many fear of flying courses. Which do more harm than good.

8. The fact that I am alone here. And the feeling that I am friendless.

In the next blog, I will try to outline ways to overcome my fear of flying.