29th Sept, 2009

Another cold dreary day in San Jose, California.
I dragged myself out of bed. Had a glass of milk and a partly rotten banana. Spoke to hubby. Made my tiffin. Got dressed and out of the door. The walk on the way to the office had my mind in the ever-present dilemma - whether or not to go back to India in January.
The arguments in favour were:
1. Everybody here is going. Why am I different?
2. Why am I such a coward?
3. Why am I so selfish?
I do not know which is worse. Deciding to go and losing sleep over getting on an aeroplane or living each moment in the guilt of getting the chance to take a flyback and not availing it. I know this is my mind's way of playing dirty tricks on me. If I were going back it would have made me crazy with flight nightmares. And now that I have decided not to, it is trying to coax me to reverse my decision only to start the crazy flight phobia. I am not going to fall in that trap. I am going to stick to my decision to go back in July 2010 once and for all.
There are other fears as well:
1. What if something happens to Mother/Father. What if they pass away? What if I can never see them again?
2. What if I die on my way home? What if I can never get to see Sayan again?
3. If Sayan travels here on an L2 visa and something happens to his flight, how will I live with the guilt?
Looks like eliminating a single worry namely getting on a flight has opened the door to a multitude of worries.
I tried to meditate for 10 mins yesterday. I tried the Om meditation. It worked better than the earlier types of meditation that I have tried. I will have to keep up this practise daily in order to get an actual benefit.
Mala spoke of Swami Nithyananda Paramahansa yesterday. The searched the Internet and found out an YouTube link on him. I wish to watch that. He would be coming to San Jose this weekend but the entry fee is a steep $200.
I am also thinking of trying out some over-the-counter anti-depressants like Prozac.

Sometime in my childhood I had come across a phrase which said that the worst pain is the mental pain. I am literally living out a nightmare. I am never happy. I have lost focus. I am unable to concentrate on my work. People have started perceiving me as a vague creature who does no productive work. And I seem to have lost the motivation to do something to change this image of mine. The work does not interest me. At home, I am loath to cook, to do the dishes, to do the laundry. It is as if my life has come to a perpetual halt. My soul had died on me. Has God forsaken me? Tears come to my eyes when I think of it. Why does not God look for my tormented soul and bring it back to his feet?