Inner Awakening

I have been doing a lot of reading these days on meditation, centering the consciousness, awakening the self and power of the mind.
I have subscribed to the Atma-Jyoti blog, I read Swamiji's teachings and I read the English translation of the Ramakrishna Kathamrita. Yann Martel has commented in the 'Life of Pi' that the mind looks for exaltation only when it has sunk really low. The only good thing that has happened to me as a result of my coming to the States is the opportunity it has provided me for self-introspection. I would never have realized what a weakling I had become had I never had the chance to stay alone and fend for myself. I was a mere parasite living off Sayan emotionally. What has eroded my mind so much?
I always believed myself to be God's chosen one. I believed myself to be pure enough to be in close communion with God. I was able to speak to Her at any time.
Back in my childhood I remember one of my friends told me 'You are very pure'. Till date, I consider that to be my best compliment ever.
Whenever I had asked myself the simple yet profound question 'Who am I?', I used to drop to terrible unknown depths and had to work hard to recall myself back to this sense-world.
As Ramakrishna says, the sole purpose of man should be to look for God.
And here I am, chasing my stupid ambitions and losing the very essence of life.
I know that running back to India in Sayan's arms is not the best way to keep my soul alive. The heart wants it's comfortable cocoon back. But, I do not want to sink into that again. I should cultivate the power to detach also. After all, that is the greatest teaching that life has to offer. Everything is transient.
I used to be positive towards everyone. Nowadays, I harbour so many negative emotions such as jealousy, envy, dissapointment, despondency etc. I need to regain my true self and be benevolent towards one and all. The world is not full of bad people. It is only a reflection of the was I perceive and behave.
These days, I try not to let my idle mind take over. I keep it busy at all times. With music, with movies, with books and primarily with thoughts of here and now. I am trying to cut back on the 'what ifs'.
I am currently reading 'Dr. Zhivago' and enjoying it very much.