A Day in My Life

I sleep late and I am still tired and sleepy when the alarm goes off at 7 in the morning.
I take an inhaler puff and splash water on my face to wipe off the old and get on with the new. I am super-attentive towards my various bottles and jars of toothpaste, cream, shampoo etc. I feel an exhilaration as I empty my tube of toothpaste or a body lotion bottle. It is inexplicable. Perhaps, these empty tubes/jars/bottles speak of the time that I have killed here and that each day brings me nearer to the day when I will be going home. And yet, I feel a pang when I hear somebody staying on at onsite or of someone who has had a long stay here. After all, whatever we do, we do it for happiness in our life. What is the utility of money other than meeting all our needs? Yet, one craves more the more one gets. What a deadly folly in man! And all the while time rushes out.......never to come back again.
It is a pity that I succumbed to this foolish sentiment of spending a substantial time in America....just to prove something to my peers. My peers............who have been and are roaming throughout the world.........seizing every opportunity and being incredibly cocky after their stays outside India. They do behave very snootily..........but what do I care? Throughout my life, I have needed assurance and commendation from people all around in order to feel relevant.This childish psychology has stuck to me making me opt for what is arguably the biggest mistake in my life............leaving Sayan to come here.
I hate my work and that is when I get some work, I hate my social life here..........but then, I do not have a social life, I hate the cold superficial people here............in short, I hate my very existence here.
When I question myself 'Why am I here?', I feel desperate enough to go up to my Idiot-Manager and plead him to send me home. I dare not encourage thoughts where I can see myself running into Sayan's arms at the Kolkata airport. I know these thoughts are soul-destroying. But, these thoughts do come crowding into my mind sometimes. And then, I get the blues. And no amount of chocolate can make it right.
I had convulsively wept one day when I had a supreme realization. Some people are very beautiful, some are extremely talented, others are filthy rich...........what is it that God has not been miserly in giving me? And it came to me like a bullet wound in my heart.........it was being loved! No man ever loved someone as much like Sayan loves me. And I had never respected that when I was near him. He has done innumerable sacrifices to be with me...........to keep me happy.
And what have I done to deserve this love? I worry that Sayan will fall in love with someone else or something bad will happen to him and then what would I do with this wretched life of mine? Kill myself? Alas! I am not brave enough to do that either.
All my adoloscent life, I had pined for love.........looking for it in all the wrong places...........but praise be to God, She did not let me be spoilt and She dropped the right person my way. I realized all this only when I was staying here. This is perhaps the greatest profit gained by my coming here. Yet, why don't the other noises stop? The voices which prod me on to get more and more has not stopped even now. But then I think, these inner voices which corrupt are never meant to stop. They are there only so that we exert our positive thinking and will power to determine what is it that I really want and once realized, to make a tooth-and-nails dash for it.
What then, you may ask is stopping me from rushing back to Sayan in India. I feel like I would be succumbing to my weakness............giving way to my clinging nature if I go back to Sayan. Then there is also the idea of saving some money to partially pre-pay the home loan. But then why do I keep on buying dresses and other frivolities instead of guarding each penny zealously? There are too many questions and no answer. I have to find out the answers and resolve the inner stuggles. And perhaps, I will let the decision making go to Sayan. He has a level head and he will be able to take the right decisions for our family.
I have not done justice to Sayan and I know it. He is a little timid and tries to avoid unpleasant situations but then I too have several negatives.............much more than him. What makes me take up the baton everytime is the feeling that we will be trampled by one and all if I let my guard down. But there is only so much a person can do and leave the rest to God.
I cannot wait to go back and rectify my mistakes and start my life from where I left off. The only dampener is the possibility that Sayan may be outside Kolkata when I go back. And then, who will I run to? Sure, father and mother are God's form on earth and there are lot many things that I have learnt from them. Yet, Sayan is my soulmate..............the one person on this earth who values me more than anybody. And it is a precious feeling.
What I must consciously do when I go back is to take more responsibilty............spend less time idly and be more useful to everyone, especially Sayan. Also, I need to push off this lazyness I have developed towards office work in general. I am blogging right now. At other times, I read novels and I either sleep/net-surf during the meetings. The self-indulgence that I had cultivated when I was de-motivated in P India is costing me dearly here. After all, there is always work for those who want it.
And where goes this desperado..............don't care attitude of mine when I am about to board a plane? At that time, I conveniently turn into the world's biggest coward. And all this thinking is of no help. I should stop talking and start doing. But not today please :) It is Friday. I have had a pleasant day comprising of zero work and two meetings, surfing Kohls, Macy's and Target sites for pretty dresses and drinking deeply from Dr. Zhivago. I do not want to spoil this strange reverie of mine. I am quite peaceful when this vagueness overcomes me.